


i'm going numb, i've been hijacked

by TheSeerOfTime



Category: Hidden Block (Video Blogging RPF), Youtube RPF
Genre: Based On A Panic! At The Disco Song, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Character Study, HateShip, I APOLOGIZE, Kismesis/Matesprit Reach Around, M/M, Unrequited Kismesissitude, Unrequited Love, also lack of cursing bc i feel uncomfortable with it, and there's a lack of stuff for it, conflicted ian, idk - Freeform, it's complicated - Freeform, just admit it you're hatefully in love with james just admit it, this is because caddimoose is otp, this is probably rly bad, this is weird third person limited from moosey's pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-15 06:44:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5775634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSeerOfTime/pseuds/TheSeerOfTime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>there's a severe lack of stuff for this ship.<br/>//<br/>isn't he supposed to hate james' guts?<br/>well, okay, he still does, but it's different now.<br/>scarily different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm going numb, i've been hijacked

**Author's Note:**

> if caddy or moosey sees this i'm gonna die so let's hope they don't
> 
> but this is just self indulgent hateship fic
> 
> written in my particular brand of attempts at being poetic  
> but enjoy this anyway lmao
> 
> written mostly to a piano arrangement of the song nicotine by panic! at the disco

>   _cross my heart and hope to die, burn my lungs and curse my eyes; i've lost control and i don't want it back // panic! at the disco, nicotine._

Basically flopping onto his bed, Ian let out a long sigh. His hands tangled themselves in his hair and his gaze crawled up to the ceiling. His room was dark; he hadn't thought to turn a light on when he had entered and didn't feel like getting up. 

Even though he tried to ignore it, he couldn't deny the existence of the strange,  _firey_ even, feeling in the pit of his stomach. And even more so, Ian tried to ignore why the feeling existed in the first place. It wasn't that easy, especially when it came to said reason.

It was all James' fault. Sure, they were supposed to hate one another--A fact they'd both expressed in videos, even if they weren't totally enemies in real life--but there was just something about him that drove Ian up the wall in another way.

God, he really was pathetic. They were friends. Sort of. And there he was, with the sinking feeling that he'd fallen for said friend. But it was different, in a way, than he really expected it to be. Maybe it was because of their semi-pretended 'hate', but all Ian knew was that this was not how he thought these things worked.

Love is supposed to be all butterflies and sweet, right? Not firey feelings in the pit of one's stomach or the aching feeling of knowing they don't feel the same? Well, at least, he assumed James didn't feel the same about him. Why would he in the first place? Even considering the possibility of requited feelings was a stretch. There was no way...

...That didn't stop him from wondering, however. What if the feelings were returned? What then? Ian didn't know, and knew there was no way to go about asking. He couldn't just ask James if he had a...

What was it, anyway? A crush? Infatuation? Something else entirely? Perhaps there was no way to really describe it, this odd mess of feelings and thoughts.

Another sigh escaped him, a longer, more desperate sounding one. The hand tangled in his hair instead rested on his face, in similar fashion to a facepalm. He wished all these thoughts and whatever-else would go away. He really didn't want to deal with it all, especially at whatever time of night it was. 

Unfortunately, all of these conflicting and jumbled messes of thoughts kept him up for most of the night; he didn't see the clock, but was sure that it was around three a.m. by the time he finally got to sleep.

>   _yeah, you're worse than nicotine_

Much to Ian's chargin, that wasn't the first sleepless night brought on by this. In fact, for the next few weeks, it continued. 

Stupid James. It was still all his fault. Well, okay, he had to admit it wasn't all James' fault. But most of it was. Well, not most. But some of it was, and that was enough.

By the end of the second week of sleepless nights, Ian was tired of it all. But how could he fix it? Like on the first night; admitting to basically having a hate-crush (Ian'd thought of the term one night) on his friend wasn't going to help. In fact, he figured that it would make things worse, and so he was stuck. Stuck in a loop of sleepless nights and pretending that everything was just _fine_ and _dandy_.

It hurt. It hurt to think about how pathetic he'd seem if he ever confessed. How strange and absurd the whole thing would seem on top of that. Sure, maybe the fangirls would finally shut up if he ever admit to it, but who's to say they'd take him seriously? Most YouTubers who had at least one ship liked to make fun of the shippers, and Ian was sure they'd think he was doing just that.

But oh, how they'd all be wrong. It wouldn't be simple making fun; it'd definitely be the truth. Because of this assumed mistrust, he knew they'd never know. They'd never know about the sleepless nights, caused by the strange fire in the pit of his stomach, or having to deal with pretending to be perfectly okay during the occasional and random Skype calls wherein he wants to just blurt everything out so it doesn't feel like a little voice in the back of his head anymore. But no, he had to keep it all to himself.

Perhaps it was better this way, though, as Ian considered. Maybe if he suffered in silence, stuck in this loop, everything would just keep working the way everything should work. It wasn't really the best for him, sure, but for everyone else's sake, it was definitely the best choice.

How did that song go? "You're worse than nicotine"? Maybe--Although he couldn't be bothered to remember the band. No matter, he found the lyric very fitting in his situation.

James was very well worse than nicotine, and Ian was very well hooked.

**Author's Note:**

> this ended up being shorter than i wanted, but oh well, i tried!
> 
> comments and kudos are appreciated, but try not to be too harsh. this is my first time attempting to write moosey, and i trieeeeed i swear.


End file.
